Quest for the Crystal Light
by gsz
Summary: An old story I started ages ago. Spaceman Spiff faces evil aliens, unbearable allies, an enemy empire, maybe even a time warp or two and his worst fear, a new narrator. All in an average day for our fearless hero.
1. The Begining

Disclaimer: Calvin & Hobbes' alter egos are Waterson's and the syndicates, not mine, yadda yadda yadda

Narrator: Spiff flew through the bleak darkness of the cold impersonal space…

Spiff: You're certainly cheery. And ain't I supposed to narrate?

Narrator: I have to fulfill a contract. Take it up with the producers.

Spiff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get on with it.

Narrator: just then, a Draconian laser beam hit our hero. He shot out a few times at the war ship, before he crashed on the uninhabitable surface below, with no sentient life forms.

Spiff: It's Washington, D.C. It's habitable. And how come I always get shot down when I wash and wax this thing? Huh? Why's that?

Narrator: The rouge ship is destroyed by the lazer satellite defense system when it enters Earth airspace. As the debris crashes into the rest of the street, the message center flashes on Spiff's computer.

Spiff: I wonder who it is.

Narrator: Answer it then.

Spiff: My agent's gonna get it. Let's see. Powerful laser system… Regonian Empire… need crystal… on Venus… needs help… with Love, President Helena S.

Narrator: Love? Maybe it's time for her to resign…

Spiff: Wanna take it outside? It seems the Regonian Empire has built a new laser weapon. They need a special crystal on Venus that will make it invincible. The…

Narrator: Why does it make it invincible?

Spiff: Size, color, shape, clarity, the only known frozen light beam in it…

Narrator: Frozen light beam?

Spiff: I ain't no post-Einsteinium physicist. Ask one of them.

It seems that president Sloan wants me to help.

Narrator: Spiff hails a cab. A thieve robot tries to take his cab and his wallet. Spiff calmly zaps him with his beam set on 'kill'.

Spiff: 'Frappe', actually.

Narrator: Whatever. The cab flies to the White House. Spiff enters.

Spiff: Hello, Miss Derkins.

VP: Miss President! Spaceman Spiff is here!

President: Thank God you're here, Spiff. Come follow me. The rest of the squad I assembled is in there.

Spiff: You mean I gotta work with other people?

-To be continued-


	2. The Squad

Disclaimer: Any similarities to any of Waterson's creations, living or dead, is purely non-coincidental

President: This is Rosalyme…

Narrator: a tall yellow girl, with a really sour expression.

President: Moemoo…

Narrator: a big mean ugly son of a gun

President: the Hobesit…

Narrator: a tiger, the only one Spiff likes

President: and, the Snowman.

Narrator: a big flake. Someone needs to let him in a greenhouse.

President: Any questions?

Narrator: Spiff raised his hand

Spiff: You don't need to comment on everything, computer brains! Miss President, we each get our own ships, right?

President: If you must. Any more?

Narrator: Spiff raises his hand again. Then he stares piercingly at me. Now he's rolling his eyes…

Spiff: Moe is a convicted felon. Why him?

President: He has ties to Emperor Jeremiahs, leader of Regonia. Any more?

No?

Narrator: No.

President: There are more questions?

Narrator: No. I said 'No' meaning 'Yes'.

President: "'No' meaning 'Yes'"? Just give me a straight answer. Are there any more questions?

Narrator: No.

President: No there are, or no there aren't?

Ros: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

President: Ok, Fine. Good luck men, and Godspeed.

Spiff: Yo, Narrator, quit stealing my thunder.

Narrator: As you wish.

Spiff: And knock off the quoting junk.

Narrator: As you… I mean, ok.

Hobbes: Let's do it.

Narrator: Time passes. They get in their ships, and try to find the Red Herring, Jeremiahs' ship.

Ros: Ok, people. We need to find the Crystal Light before they do. We have to work together whether we want to or not, understand?

Narrator: The rest mumble yes, uh-uh, sure, right and whatnot.

Spiff: This has been nothing but talk, talk talk. I wish we'd have some action.

Narrator: Immediately after he said that, a rapid succession of laser shots, missiles, bombs, firecrackers, and a kite attack the ships. All but Moe's…

Spiff: Have I mentioned I don't like you narrating?

Hey! Why ain't they attacking Moe?

-To be continued-


	3. The Fight

Disclaimer: These characters ain't mine. Got it?

--

Snowman: Stand back. These babies are mine.

Narrator: The Snowman used an ice blaster to freeze the ships in front of him. More promptly crashed into them. At that time, Hobbes and that annoying Spiff…

Spiff: I loathe you.

Narrator: Hobbes and that annoying Spiff run up to Moe's ship, to see why he wasn't attacked.

Spiff: Ok, Moe. Why not you?

Moe: I'd thought you'd figure it out, twerp. I'm still aligned with them. This is a trap.

Hobbes: You are under arrest for committing a 2254. Or is it a 2255? 2253? 43?

Calvin: Heck with it.

Narrator: They shot the engines of Moe's ship. It sped out of control, crashing into Mercury. Hobbes and Spiff follow the others into Venus.

Spiff: Prepare for impact.

Narrator: They land on the planet in a warm dessert… Woodland?! I thought Venus was a worn, hot, barren land!

Spiff: Only in the deserts. Closer to the water, its actually quite lovely. Not that I'd want to build a summerhouse, but they trees are actually quite lovely.

Narrator: What's you say about quoting stuff? Hmmm?

Ros: Knock it off you two. Look! The _Red Herring_!

Narrator: The heroes walk to the ship. They open the door.

Ros: Nothing!

Snowman: What?

Spiff: Don't tell me. Red herring…

Hobbes: I have to admit; I didn't think he had enough brains.

Narrator: Spiff looks behind him. There are 80 Regonian guards clad in a light blue armor. He pulls his gun, set to Frappe. Right?

Spiff. Yep.

Narrator: The others get their weapons. One of the guards speaks:

Guard: Surrender! We outnumber you, 20 to 1. What do you say?

Spiff. One word. Frappe jerk. Ok, that's actually two.

Narrator: Spiff shot him. Ros, Snowman, and him attack the guards. When 70 are left, Spiff asks:

Spiff: Where's that orangey flea bait?

Narrator: The guards drop their weapons, and run. One of the Herring's lasers shot, leaving a hole in the ground, and sending the enemies flying.

Spiff: For orangey flea bait, you're quite handy.

Hobbes: Thank you.

Ros: So… Now what?

Hobbes: I saw an active computer. Should we try that?

Snowman: Best plan we have. Only plan we have.

Narrator: They walk into the ship, by the computer.

-To be continued-


	4. The Computer

Disclaimer: I don't own them. At least, not yet….

Narrator: They walk by the computer. Spiffy looked in a drive and found something interesting.

Spiff: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!!!

Ros: What'd you find?

Spiff: They have a Beatles CD. Can we listen to it?

Ros: Later.

Narrator: Hobbes types something, trying to find info.

Spiff: How bout Malice Mizer?

Ros: Later!

Hobbes: Methinks I found something!

Spiff: Petra?

Ros: LATER!!!!!

Narrator: The tiger plays a clip with Emperor Jeremiahs on.

Emperor: If you're hearing this, you must've defeated those creeps. We will send troops to the big tower at 6 pm tomorrow. Nothing will stop us!!!!!

Snowman: I think he's in for a surprise.

Ros: We need some more weapons…

Spiff: I saw a weapon room back there. We take what we can need, and we can modify our ships.

Narrator: I can't believe it. Spiffy got a good idea.

Spiff: One of these days, metal lips, and I'll clobber you straight to Pluto's moon!

Narrator: (makes a raspberry)

Spiff: And we can even dock our ships in here, and drive the Red Herring over!

Ros: Good plan. Okay men, let's do it.

Narrator: As they do so, Spiff plays the Beatles CD. They must wait until tomorrow to strike.

-To be continued-


	5. The Night

Disclaimer: Same ol', same ol'.

Narrator: The group was ready to face their toughest battle. Spending the night together without killing each other.

Spiff: Can't buy me love..

Ros: Not that I don't like the Beatles, but it is 12:05 am, you know.

Spiff: My internal clock's on Tokyo time.

Hobbes: Interesting. This file talks about an albino guard dragon, Abia, Jeremiahs has sent with the fleet…

Snowman: Shhh! I'm trying to read.

Narrator: Then that moron Spiffy, the fuzz ball, the water flake, and Adolph in drag decided to duke it out against each other.

Spiff: Hey!

Ros: What say we get him instead?

Spiff, Hobbes, and Snowman: YES!

Narrator: Uh…oh…

Gabe: Hello, I'm the author, and, um, the narrator is being turned into hamburger meat right now. Spiff has his blaster, and… Ros throws a right hook… Hobbes draws his claws… snowman has an icicle…

Um, let's just say we won't worry about him now.

Ros: Who'll narrate now?

Hobbes: And the contract…

Gabe: He was in a chapter and a half more than he needed to be. Um, I can narrate now.

Spiff: Hey! What about me?

Gabe: 'Then, Spiff fell into the pack of rabid iguanas…'

Spiff: Ok, you can narrate.

Gabe: From here on, I'll be narrator unless I need my author hat on.

Narrator: Spiff hears a growl from outside.

Spiff: Could that be the dragon?

Ros: Couldn't be.

Spiff: Then you look.

Narrator: Ros walks out. Muttering…

Ros: Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothi-

Narrator: She runs inside.

Ros: Dragon! Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!

Spiff: Someone grab the laser!

Narrator: The albino dragon spits fire on the ship. A laser blast from the hull then sends the sucker flying.

Hobbes: That was close.

Spiff: Good job, my tiger.

Snowman: I think we have breakfast taken care of too. I love barbeque.

Narrator: After the rough night, our heroes decide to let bygones be bygones, and fall asleep till tomorrow's invasion.


	6. The Ambush

Disclaimer: These guys aren't mine. Get well cards for the previous narrator can be sent to the Brannigan Memorial Hospital.

Narrator: Soon it was morning. Of course, this was due to the fact that all personal use one time. The true morning would not happen for another 107 Earth days.

Spiff: Are you done with the exposition?

Narrator: No. They headed toward the big tower, which was part of the Earthen Venus Military Complex. Due to the extensive heat and humidity, no one wished to colonize the planet. Even the Complex was normally staffed by robots, and even they usually complained.

Hobbes: Ah, this must be it. I'll swipe my clearance card and that'll let us in.

Spiff: No! We'll use mine.

Snowman: What difference does it make?

Spiff: I'm the hero. We use my card.

Narrator: And they did. Standing inside were 20 soldiers in a dark blue armor, an albino dragon larger than the previous, and a Regonan out of battle armor. He looked a normal human, except for the lavender skin and the tendrils where hair normally is.

Jareth: Hello. I am Jareth, RSF Agent Codename Slayer. We were expecting you.

Ros: Crap! A named villain! We're in serious trouble!

Spiff: Wait… we're the ones that are suppose to be ambushing. We found that message-

Jareth: …As you were meant to.

Hobbes: Why would he call his troops creeps?

Jareth: They were political prisoners. They made fun of our lord losing his tendrils.

Narrator: He stepped forward, taking out a phaser.

Jareth: Our orders are to eliminate you, the elite Terran warriors, and steal the gem. I would ask you to surrender, but I would have to kill you anyways.

Narrator: As soon as he finished, the Snowman shot a freeze ray, encasing Jareth's gun hand in ice. Hobbes dashed to the terminal that had let them in.

The named villain bashed his frozen hand on one of the soldiers.

Hobbes: Ok… Ah-ha! This should send some of ht robots to our aid.

Narrator: Our heroes waited. Jareth kept breaking chunks of ice off. Our heroes kept waiting. Jareth freed his hand from its icy tomb.

Jareth: Would it have killed you guys to attack them?

Narrator: One of the Regonan soldiers stepped forward.

Random Soldier: We had no orders, sir.

Jareth: Couldn't you have acted anyways?

Random Soldier: No, sir.

Jareth: And the dragon?

Random Soldier: Was asleep, sir. And had no orders to attack, sir.

Jareth: Arrgh! Ahem. The robots here have defected to us when we offered them an air conditioner. The only reason we haven't blasted you from space is that the robots didn't have clearance to the light crystal. And now, gentlemen-

Ros: Ahem.

Jareth: And now, gentlemen, farewell. Attack!

---To be continued-

Ros: Hey! We were about to fight! You'll ruin our concentration!

Another Random Soldier: Yeah!

Gabe: This builds suspense. Hush now.


End file.
